When you hear the word depression, automatically you think of someone who is “sad”. For some reason everyone thinks that in order to be depressed you have to be “sad”. What many people don’t talk about is the reality of depression and what it really truly feels like. It’s not about being sad it is about having an overwhelming and undeniable lack of energy. Seeing the happiness in your life but not having the energy to enjoy it. 

Anxiety and depression have been something that I have struggled with since my teenage years. Let’s be honest—most of us have. I wasn’t medicated until college because eventually I realized, I wouldn’t get my degree if I didn’t have the energy to go to class. College became an endless cycle of medicating myself, keeping busy and pushing through to reach my end goal. Ironically, what kept me going was my tank being on empty. It was empty, but I had hopes of it being filled one day.

This mentality of living has become the unfortunate reality for many of us. But yet, when we are asked “how are you?”, the answer is always “good”. For some reason we have to keep up the image that we are juggling all our balls without dropping any. It takes energy to explain to someone that we are terrified of dropping a ball, that we are just existing but aren’t really living. If we do put together the energy to say more than “good” and tell them the truth, we then have to hope that person will “get it”. Which they usually don’t, or they get it but respond with completely the wrong thing. This is an endless cycle that usually ends in us staying silent.

Finding things that fill up our tank is difficult. But when we find them we cling to them. The hard part is all too often we find people that fill our tank, and then when those people leave, we are left on empty again. Filling our tank without the use of others can be a major difficulty for most of us. Because let’s face it life happens, people die, friends move away, relationships end and if that is your only source of fulfillment, you’ll eventually be left hollow.

So what CAN be a relied on to fill your tank? I, by no means am perfect, and often days I am on empty myself. But since being forced to be alone I have had a lot of time to think on this. This may sound silly and self explanatory but, taking time to do basic life tasks majorly helps. Often brushing my teeth, showering, eating, can be a struggle. I focus on trying to to change them so they’re a little bit easier. Showering sitting down, skipping the meal and making a smoothie packed with peanut butter instead, taking a walk if I don’t have the energy to drive to the gym, things like that. All of these seem counterproductive because it takes energy to do them, but it always helps pull me out of my downward spiral. The next thing (that is a bit more exciting) is being spontaneous. Spontaneous trips, dates, heck even eating out on a night you planned to stay at home. Just having the guts to do something unplanned. It can be anxiety provoking but I always feel a sense of accomplishment afterwards. The last thing, which I am working on getting better at, is trying something new–weekly. There is something about a new experience that is fulfilling and brings feelings of excitement for the future. This one can be hard especially because most often we find solace in our routine. I know I am definitely guilty of that.

All in all, depression absolutely sucks and it is tough and messy. And to be honest, not everyone gets it. Hopefully this sparked something that you could relate to. Oh and you know the other thing that helps? Therapy. Go to therapy you fool.

🙂