Many of us go through phases in our lives where we put in the work to fix our flaws, come to terms with our insecurities and decide to become better human beings. In my experience, this happens at a point in life where we are alone. We recently become separated from a partner, walked away from a toxic friendship, or even decided to distance ourselves from family. Often leaving people behind and removing distractions is necessary to take the time that is needed to focus on working on ourselves. There eventually comes a point where we become faced with a choice to allow people and new responsibilities back into our life again . Whether it is a new romantic relationship we want to pursue, beginning to close the distance we put between ourselves and family, or start a new job. Often we find that when alone we were thriving, allocating time for self care, learning how to set boundaries and focusing our energy on activities that mattered. All of this can be challenged when we are brought back to the reality of letting things back in. The challenge can change from becoming a better person, to learning how to maintain our personhood while allowing ourselves to integrate back into our relationships.

So, how do we know when we are ready? It can be challenging to decide if you’re emotionally ready to introduce new people and responsibilities into your life. From personal experience I can say the only way to know if you’re ready is by testing yourself. Here are some key points to remember when testing your emotional readiness for change when you have been spending your time focusing on yourself. 

1) Test, don’t jump

All too often instead of actually testing the waters we decide to just jump in. As most of us know from summertime experiences, jumping into cold waters is shocking to the body system and not very pleasant. We either decide to stay in the cold water and until our bodies get used to it, or we immediately jump back out and don’t go back in. The best was to test the waters is when we get in first with our feet and allow our bodies to get acclimated to the temperature. Once we feel comfortable we will wade deeper and deeper into the water avoiding the shock to our system. Gradually adding responsibilities and shifting focus is the best way to go when coming out of a season of self focus. If we jump right in we risk overwhelming our system and being afraid to get back in the water. 

2) Set Boundaries

Before deciding to test our progress it is important to set boundaries for ourselves. Making progress in our own mental health and self growth can be harmed by not knowing when to step back. By setting boundaries we are setting clear lines that we can use to hold ourselves accountable. These boundaries should be easily measurable and not too complicated to achieve. For example, if you are deciding that you are ready to start casually dating again a boundary could be that you want to only spend one day a week doing activities with a potential romantic partner. If you begin to find yourself saying “no” to friends or not giving yourself alone time to spend time with said partner or go out on a date, you know it is time to take a step back. It can be difficult to acknowledge that we aren’t ready for something when we are experiencing the moment in real time. 

3) Actually respect the boundaries you set

This can be tough for many people, including myself. We can set boundaries for ourselves but then learning to not cross them is an entirely new battle. I try and treat the situation of crossing my boundary the same as if I crossed a boundary in my “professional world“. For example, feeling as though you crossed a boundary with someone at work. This usually isn’t done with the intention to cross a boundary but happens by our own carelessness and lack of awareness. That feeling of instant regret and eagerness to correct your action is the thought process that I want to highlight in this situation. It is not about shaming yourself for crossing the boundary that you set, instead it is about your willingness to correct your action and bring yourself back into the lines set to help you grow.

4) Allow yourself to move on

After we take the leap to test our readiness for more, our expectation is that we will fail. However, when we don’t fail we are forced to stay outside the boundaries that we set, allow ourselves to grow, and set new boundaries. In my mind I see this as taking the training wheels off of your bike and upgrading to a two wheel bike. Because, what sense would it make to have training wheels on a bicycle of a professional cyclist?

5) Set new goals

One of the things that I often find myself forgetting to do is taking the time to set new goals as I grow into the person I am becoming. Having goals to strive towards, big or small, is what keeps us growing as people. Accomplishing a goal can feel great in the moment but, that feeing does not stay forever. We have to continue to put in the work and strive for new growth even as we are checking things off of our list. Without doing this there becomes a risk of being stagnant and losing progress.

6)There will be seasons without progress 

It is rewarding to reach milestones and accomplish goals however, this is not achievable all the time. Sometimes progress means waiting and having patience with yourself. 

All in all working on yourself requires intention, patience, self control and risk. You have to be willing to try and fail and have the restraint to take a step back if needed. Without the dedication to the betterment of yourself none of this can be possible.