One of my goals for traveling abroad was to become more comfortable being by myself. Most of my young adult life, I had spent with a partner which makes aloneness even more lonely at times. I think as humans one of our biggest fears is ending up alone. We crave connection with people, relationships with friends, family, romantic partners and so on. We look at elderly in nursing homes and wonder if we will end up alone like them one day.

One of my most distinct memories of “loneliness” was when I was working as a nurses aide during COVID. As most of us know COVID-19 changed hospital policy, taking us all on an unforgettable and unfortunate ride. One of the policies was restricting visitors to see hospitalized family members. While many of us did not agree with this rule, we had to follow it. There were families that would call and argue with us, or fight with hospital administrators to find ways to get exceptions around the rules. We would set up iPads for people and hold them up so that patients could talk to their loved ones at home. People would drop off pictures and cards and we would hang them up in patients rooms so they knew their loved ones were thinking about them.

One day I was doing my rounding on patients. I walked down the hallway and looked to my left into a patients room. Inside a dark room was a man laying in bed with a “happy birthday” balloon beside him at his bedside table. I checked my unit paper and this patient caught my eye because it was his 100th birthday. I walked in his room and saw that the balloon was sent to him by the hospital facility. As I walked in I did so silently. There were no cards on the walls, no families pictures, or messages of hope. While everyone else outside was fighting over seeing their family this man had no one fighting for him. I decided to spend some time with him, so I gave him a bath. He was very sick and very out of it so he didn’t even open his eyes to see me. While I was bathing him I noticed his dog tags around his neck. What war he was in I wasn’t sure, but after seeing that it made me start to cry.

The next few days I worked I always made sure to take time with him. I would sit and hold his hand, or put the TV on in his room and watch something for 15-20 minutes beside him. He never opened his eyes, not once. He just laid there sleeping and breathing very shallow. In the beginning I wept because he was alone and it made me sad. I felt as though no one should have to die alone. I wondered where his family was and why no one was there fighting to see him. If you’ve made it to 100 surely you have children, grandchildren, great grandchildren roaming around reaping the rewards of your investments and hard labor. Eventually, I stopped weeping for him because I realized he looked like he was at peace.

His balloon stayed with him slowly deflating, getting closer and closer to the ground with each day that passed. I would like to tell you that I remember his death but, I don’t. I know he didn’t leave that room alive. Most of the elderly we took care of during that time did not get to leave and go home. He died alone and while that might be sad, it was peaceful.

Before leaving for Thailand I made a “path”. A road per se that I would travel down to prepare for this trip. Would I say that I feel totally comfortable being alone yet? Absolutely not. However, there was a time that I couldn’t drive by myself without having a panic attack. Just last week I was able to navigate a foreign airport on my own. There was a time I would not go on a vacation without a friend or significant other. Now, I booked a month long trip only expecting to meet people when I got to my destination. Being comfortable being alone is a journey, sometimes with no end prize. Loneliness is suppose to make us a little uncomfortable and that’s because we are human. However, being alone should not be your biggest fear. You should strive to be lonely every now and again because it forces us out of your comfort zone. And most importantly it forces us to grow.

Rhae 🙂