Almost a year ago now I went on the “self discovery” journey of a lifetime. After deciding I was fed up with my shitty self esteem, lack of energy and need for love of myself I decided to board a plane by myself to Thailand to solo travel. At the time I was bitter, annoyed with the world and sick of people. Most importantly however, I was sick of myself. I spent a summer making reckless decisions in the name of “coping” instead of taking the actual steps I needed to deal with my emotions. I’m sure this is something that many people my age go through, but to varying degrees of course. A few weeks into the trip, I took a picture of myself sitting in front of a rock with the words carved into it, “I love you so much”. I watched couples stand in line to take pictures in front of it smiling, somewhat resembling hallmark postcards. At this point, I was expecting myself to get angry, have envy for those people in front of me that had what I wanted. Instead, I stood and watched for a while then sat down in front of the giant rock and had a photoshoot of my own. Hugging myself, smiling and resembling a different type of hallmark card. A hallmark card that screamed “I have to love myself first”.
The idea that there are five love languages came from baptist pastor and author Gary Chapman. In the 1990’s he released a book called, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. This book was focused on the different ways that people love and explained how this would help constitute a healthy marriage. This concept that we both give and receive love in five ways flooded its way into the secular world, many adopting this theory as common knowledge. After being a “serial relationshipper” for so long and then being forced to only love myself, it gave a new perspective on the love languages for me. Not only do I give love to others this way, but I have to give love to myself in the ways that make me feel the most loved.
Words of affirmation
If you feel the most loved when someone tells you “I love you”. This may be your love language. When someone tells you how beautiful you are, communicates their intentions with you clearly, praises you, etc. Specifically what I mean by this is not that it just makes you feel happy, because of course we all feel happy when we are praised. If this is what makes you feel loved, safe and secure, then this could be one of your love languages.
Now, turning it around on yourself. If words of affirmation is your love language, no amount of time spent at the gym, self care days, or buying yourself new outfits will make you feel whole. These are the people who feel most loved by talking kindly to themselves. By hanging up paintings that say “hello beautiful” and “you’re a boss” on their walls. These are also the people who can easily destroy their self esteem by tearing themselves down, constantly filling their brain with negative self talk.
Receiving Gifts
For some reason I think that if you say this is your love language, people believe you to be shallow. This can’t be farther from the truth. Receiving gifts is my top love language and I am going to explain the rationale. I feel the most loved when people get me a gift, whether it be a cool leaf they found while hiking or a two-hundred dollar purse, it has the same effect. What is so special about this love language is that it means someone else was thinking about you when you weren’t around. That they went out of their way to keep that leaf un-crunched in their pocket on their run, or that they put aside some of their resources to use on you instead of using it on themselves. That to me, is love.
For loving ourselves if this is your primary love language. These are the “retail therapy” people. I know for myself, I have hit certain milestones and I will buy myself something I have wanted for a while, book a trip, etc. These are the people who get the piece of cake at the end of the meal because “they deserve it”. Loving yourself means being a little selfish and gifting ourselves experiences or things that make us happy.
Physical Touch
While most think this love language is pretty self explanatory, it goes deeper than what most people think of. Physical touch is about more than sex, its about physical intimacy. This is for the people that feel loved when they are held, when holding hands over the dinner table gives them butterflies. For people who feel comforted by the touch of their loved ones. Not everyone is this way, there are plenty of people who can hold people without loving them and who don’t feel closer to those that they touch.
Again, turning this back on ourselves. Physical touch when it comes to loving yourself sounds tricky but I think it can be simple really. Yes, it could be something sexual but also it can be something much more innocent that that. Feeling connected to your body and appreciative of scars. Being able to touch yourself and hold yourself in a way that makes you feel less alone. These people can comfort themselves by rocking, spinning their rings, lightly scratching at their arms, etc.
Quality Time
The most important aspect about quality time is that it has two words, the most important being quality. If this is your love language you feel the most loved by intentional time spent with your partner. Time without distractions, without phones, doing something productive and enjoyable together. These are the people that need one date night a week, or that cherish their bedtime soap opera show with their partners.
When talking about loving yourself, these are the people that the self care days, hours at the gym, solo coffee dates pay off. By carving out time for you and only you, being intentional about your activities alone you can feel the most love towards yourself.
Acts of Service
My second love language is acts of service. How do I know this you ask? Because the minute I start to have feelings for someone, I make them food. Or I clean their kitchen, I offer to take care of them when their sick, etc. I know that this means I also receive love the most this way. When someone carries in all the groceries for me, or pumps the gas so that I don’t have to, takes me to an appointment that I am scared to go to alone. For those of us who have this as a love language, we are givers. We like to nurture, and many of us are in nurturing professions because it gives us purpose.
This is unfortunately the hardest love language to give to ourselves. Acts of service when it comes to loving ourselves means, cooking a full nutritious meal even though we are eating alone. Showering daily, even though there is no one in bed next to us at night. Taking ourselves to therapy when we feel like our emotions are too much to handle. This is hard and scary but for those of us with this as our primary love language, if we don’t perform acts of service for ourselves, we won’t feel like we truly love ourselves.
I hope you enjoyed this little run down, as I shared my love languages in hopes that it would encourage you to think about yours. For most of us we naturally give love in the way that we receive it. I’ll end on this….what makes you feel loved?
Now What? 
Leave a comment