In 1960, the average age for a first marriage was only twenty-two for men and twenty for women. On top of this, the average age of first-time mothers was twenty-five. Today, that age has increased, with the average age of marriage at thirty for men and twenty-eight for women. In 2024, thirty is slowly becoming the new twenty, and the common rhetoric encourages patience, with messages like “you have plenty of time.” Almost twenty percent of U.S. women have their first child after the age of thirty-five, making starting a family a goal that is over a decade away for many of us.

Even though these statistics are rising and should feel comforting, many of us in our twenties still feel like we’re behind. We can’t even imagine finding a boyfriend, let alone a husband.

In modern times, we’ve moved away from the notion that we must immediately settle down and start a family. Instead, we’ve prioritized putting ourselves first before finding and committing to our “person.” Careers, hobbies, friendships, and endless adventures are now at the forefront of our lives, rather than seeking a “Mrs. degree,” which was more common among our parents and grandparents. Many of us, myself included, hope that this shift will lead to lower divorce rates and more stable households, so the next generation doesn’t have to grow up in broken homes like many of us did.

However, there’s a downside to this “me first” movement that we’ve become absorbed in. The unfortunate result is that a widespread narrative has emerged: “all men are fuck boys, and all women are man-hating feminists.”

My aggressively blunt statement isn’t far off for those of us who have become less than optimistic about dating. How did we get here? Does Prince Charming even exist, or did Disney lie to our impressionable pre-teen selves, giving us unrealistic hopes and expectations? It’s the endless “swings and misses” that push us to these extremes. In a society obsessed with polarizing opinions, we start to assume that every guy has an ulterior motive, and every girl is a ticking time bomb of craziness.

It becomes easier to have a negative outlook from the start, rather than being open and receptive. We do this because it feels like a foolproof way to protect ourselves.

Now that this is hitting a little too close to home—and getting a bit depressing—let’s switch gears. I think most of us are tired of hearing the same advice: “Just focus on yourself and things will turn around.” For those of us who have been intentional about being alone, trying new hobbies, paying for therapy, and even deleting the dating apps, hearing the same advice we’ve already been following gets frustrating, to say the least. The issue isn’t that we’re uncomfortable being alone anymore; we’ve worked through that. We’re facing a new challenge.

The real struggle now is learning to handle rejection while staying optimistic about new prospects. It’s realizing that doing the work to love yourself comes with side effects: raised standards, clear boundaries, and a greater willingness to say “no.” Sometimes it feels like we’re standing in our own way, but in reality, it’s a consequence of all the time we’ve spent on ourselves. As much as we may want a relationship, we want to avoid the wrong one even more. We say this with so much confidence while still kicking the wall because something we thought would work out….didn’t.

In forcing ourselves to stay optimistic and hopeful, we have to accept that there will always be something else to work on within ourselves. Even when we conquer a fear or learn to set boundaries, new fears and boundaries will arise. There will always be tests—moments when we slip into old habits or feel bitterness because things didn’t go the way we hoped. The solution isn’t to write off the opposite gender or guard our hearts so tightly that we vow never to let anyone in. The solution is to understand that the journey is just as much about learning to pick ourselves back up with grace as it is about reaching the finish line.

Falling hurts, and it can be embarrassing, but if we never get up, we’ll never make it to the end.

Yes, some men are “fuck boys,” but not all of them. And for many of us women, the man-hating mantras are just a way to cover up our vulnerability—an attempt to protect the hearts we so recklessly wear on our sleeves.