May 22, 2018, I was a senior in high school and I wrote my “bucket list”. After writing my list of goals that I hoped to accomplish over the next five years, I folded the paper and sealed it in an envelope. Just for good measure, I threw in my lucky hair tie and a piece of chewing gum. In high school, a hair tie on my wrist and mint gum in my pocket was an absolute necessity. This letter that I wrote to myself, would be stored in a drawer and mailed to me in five years. Little did I know how much my aspirations would change, where I would be on May 22, 2023 and how big of an impact those pieces of ripped off notebook paper would have on me.

There were many bucket list items that clearly showed my innocence and overwhelmingly simple idea of what the world was really like. However, I can clearly see my optimism and “go-getter” attitude that I admire so much about myself. It is that childlike optimism that I am chasing to have again. As I have started my journey into adulthood I realized that so many of us have lost our optimism and “spark” to live. When we were fifteen we didn’t question how practical our dreams were, we just dreamed them and hoped one day that we would achieve them.

Last summer, after the end of my four year long relationship, I sat at work and began writing a new bucket list. I had activities I wanted to do that summer, goals I wanted to achieve by the end of the year, solo adventures I wanted to take and simple things I thought would bring me happiness. What ended up happening was life got in the way, I checked off a few things but basically forgot about the page in my journal I had so passionately written on. As you can see in my high school bucket list, I was extremely academically and career focused. I have always had this “left brain” side of me that was driven by academic success, career goals and practicality. With that, has always been my “right brain” self that is fueled by impulse, creativity, adventure and the fear of the unknown.

Recently when I got a tarot card reading for the first time, this struggle between a contrasting sense of self came up. She said something to me that I have internalized very deeply.

“I will soon be forced to change direction and it will tear down something I have been building for years”

At first this sounds slightly terrifying but, she explained to me that the change will help me come into my true self. My true self that is different, wild and crazy. The true self that sometimes scares people away. But, I would find true happiness when I can exist as my true self in every aspect of life. My career, my friendships, my relationships and my hobbies.

These experiences together made me realize that if I wanted to feel truly satisfied with my life, I had to allow myself to step into my true self. Not the self that I think I should be, not the self that society expects me to be and not the self I have been forcing myself to fit into. To do this I have to embark in activities that make me feel free, pick friends that are supportive of my optimism and pursue a career that is fulfilling to my true self.

In order to make space for my “big change”, I decided it was time to become intentional about checking things off my bucket list and living the adventurous life that I so badly wanted to live. Some of my goals from high school have shifted but, I think I can still find a way to “tweak” them and make them meaningful to me now. I decided that it was only right to kick off my season of adventure by picking the biggest, scariest thing on my bucket list…..jumping out of an airplane. For context, I do not get on rollercoasters, ferris wheels freak me out, I panicked on the back of a motorcycle and heights absolutely terrify me. I don’t know what it was that gave me the courage to commit to skydiving but, after doing it I had the feeling of, “If I can do this I can do anything”. The actual experience itself was unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I was terrified but at peace at the same time. There is something about being up in the sky and looking at the world beneath you (as you’re hurling down towards it) that makes you feel like every worry you’ve ever had in life is insignificant. To further explain what I mean, when I was experiencing the thrill of flying through the sky, I felt an appreciation for life that I had not felt before. I felt happy, weightless, powerful and unconcerned all at the same time. I realized that I wasted so many days not truly living. If this is what life can feel like, why aren’t I experiencing it like this everyday?

Too often we live without truly living. Coming from someone who just came to this realization, I challenge you to write your own bucket list and actually start checking things off. Conquering your fears is exhilarating and once you start, you will start genuinely living.